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  I NEVER DANCE A ONE ACT PLAY      

BY KEN LEHNIG

G: God no. It ruined me …I just don’t have sex. But don’t worry you’re gonna get lucky. I’m tired of just  doing myself.…Is that too bold? The situation seems ripe for honesty. Do you have to have a virgin? I never meant to screw it up. Maybe I should have lied…is there more mojo in an older virgin? (Laughs)

B: No…Want a drink? (She languishes and nods .The man walks over and pours the drinks) You’re pretty outspoken. Most women I’ve known don’t talk much. (Hands women the drink, she shoots it down) I mean they talked but it was empty …silly…

G: That’s what you said … and it got me here. Did I tell you I was diagnosed with schizophrenia? I’m depressed most of the time and I invent imaginary exotic lovers. They kiss and fondle me and when I’m so hot and about to explode…poof.! Then I am left more depressed and frustrated. If it makes you feel better I think you’re real.

B: Women are so different from men. They have wants and desires that baffle us and leave us desolate. I am real. (Pause) I am not one of your …constructs. I am infinitely more complex.

B: No! I believe in destiny. Some are made in one way-some in another. Each has a predestined event or events to live out. Most are cowards when the horn calls. And that my girl is why the world is so fucked up. We care more for our positions and status among the weak- when it is the heroes, for good or ill, that moves the world forward.

G: You goofed…(Sits) I am certainly not a person to whom an event has been waiting. You have picked a woman who is not pretty …as you pointed out…I am not hard working . In fact there isn’t a thing about me that is special . My purpose, as much as I can tell, is to breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide.

G: (She turns and stares at him for a long time) Because I made myself available to you. Because I was there to make at least one fucking significant decision in an otherwise bland and weary life. Do you know how hard it is to do absolutely nothing , to be of no consequence? We are not made this way. I guess what you say is true. Most resist the event and deny the choice. I’ve run from even the possibility of the possibility of having to make a choice. … Let me have you’re tie …it’s beautiful. (He takes off his tie and hands it to her)

B: Tell me about yours? And I don’t care about your weak and beaten mother. Tell me about your asshole of a father that would have denied his daughter to such and extent as to create you . You and I, my dear, are train wrecks…unreported and unwitnessed terrible accidents. That is why you intrigued me.

G: (Loud and passionate) Fucks things up don’t it? The necessity for grand theater in your coupling…I won’t play until I know why. (Teasing) I won’t play. (Bends over and kisses him with meanness, He reaches for her and she moves away dancing) I don’t know why I never danced. I came up here because what you wanted titillated me…and I need it. You will have it your way but we are not through talking. You see asshole , women don’t minimize anything. We will tell all the truth and even the lies with true sincerity and emotion. All the details …pertinent or not, all of the nuances, all the shit that drive men crazy. The only thing we seem to have in common is the need for sex.

G: (Sits) ooooo… A pun. I have watched. It’s what people do instead of facing the choice related to your "event". Do the common people think that sex is the event?

G: (Stops dancing- Speaks menacingly and quietly) I know you. I’ve followed you for years. You are not the type to have a long relationship… or hold a job for very long. And you move around a lot.( He sits with astonishment) You see I love you.

G: (She sits looking at him) When my father found out about what my cousin had done to me, he went out and killed him… shot him in his bed. Then he went and got shit –faced, came home and beat my Mother –yelling at her that it was her fault…came to my room …called me a whore and he raped me. Then the good Reverend went to the garage and hung himself. I don’t count that one in the times I had sex. My father didn't know how many times I went back to my cousin. See I lied. (Pause) That was enough for me!

B: (Long silence) At the end of the three days …there was a water tap down there, no food…He came down and threw me the nastiest magazine I had ever seen … he made me …he made me get…hard. There was a vise on a workbench. (Tears up and wipes his eyes. She starts to go to him… his head is down. She stops and starts to sing while twirling.)

B: (Recovered and interested) Yeah… but He doesn’t give a damn about anything we do. He don’t care that you don’t dance or fuck or why. He don’t care that I have a hell of a time peeing. He don’t care what you eat or shit. He made it all like it is some giant clock …He watches it all run down.

B: Events get His attention. Good ones shine …a light …like Mother Teresa caught up in a wheel of goodness. But bad ones cause a ripple in the universe. You have to make the choice when it comes.

Girl kisses him again then stands up and gets them both another drink .She toasts him and they both throw back the drinks.

(She sits on the couch.) Come and sit next to me (He does.) We are train wrecks, you and I.

G: They don’t know about you …but I do. I know all about you. What happens when you are smarter than everyone else? When the twist in your soul and the loftiness of your thoughts don’t mix? What do you do? (Long silence)

G: I like a Rib Roast …rare –with a Bourguignon sauce-Asparagus Hollandaise. Spring salad vinaigrette with heart of palm…Brioche …Charlotte with lady fingers for desert.

G: Should be a red with beef … but I still like a nice blend …a blush. Does that make me a peasant?

B: If I’m not cooking … Then Pork tenderloin …sliced thick. Apricot crème sauce, fresh peas, Baguette with butter …new potatoes… Anything chocolate for desert.

G: She was deathly afraid of my father …she stayed with him because of me…Ha! Tell me about your mother.

B: She was a saint and a whore. She was fucking my Dads brother. But she treated me well enough She always tried to fix what was broken. I hated her for that …no affection till I was too hurt to care. She was a religious woman …if you could imagine. …Devout. I guess I was more sinful than she was and I needed the punishment. She’d soothe me with Scripture. Then she’d go to confession every Saturday…Want to hear a joke?

B: A Priest moved into town to a church that was falling apart. He was convinced that he was being punished by the Diocese. The Church had no roof and was a complete mess. He set up Confession on Saturday anyway. The first sinner was a young woman who confessed to having sexual relations with a young man named John Adams. Five dollars –three Hail Mary’s-five Our Fathers was the penance. Each sinner that came in was a young woman and there were many. At the end of the day there was enough money to repair the roof. Next week and the weeks following the young women unable to curb themselves confessed and filled the poor box. Soon enough the Church was splendid and he was again was in well with the Diocese. The Priest finally decided to confront the ardent Mr. John Adams . Upon meeting him in the street he said "Mr. Adams I would like to talk to you." John Adams responded " Me too- it’s ten percent or I’ll take my business else where."

B: (Stands speaks with a threat) I got a problem …I don’t want you any more. You’ve stalked me. You are too damn smart. I’m not sure how to handle this. So if you will keep quite for awhile so I can think.

G: (Laughs) Handle what? You fucking asshole. You are gonna do this, you have to. We are too far along. This is it baby, can’t you feel it? Gods watching. Those others were just fill .You thought they were part of an event. But that was just fucking. This is the Event. What do you do with someone like me? There’s no seduction, no way to keep up a damaged woody.

G: (Circling the couch) No. You love this. This as good as it gets. Step up to the Event or back down.( He stands straight up) You will have me but you will have me when I say so.

G: You under -estimate me (She walks around to the back of the couch next to him. She kisses him and steps back –takes off her blouse and lets down her hair. She jumps and straddles him .They go down behind the couch…her on top. Her head is seen bobbing up and down) That’s it baby. OOOOOO Just relax! (When he comes he screams in agony, high pitched. She soothes him like a mother.) They stand and put themselves together. She sits on the chair and he sits on the couch He is broken, crying. She looks at him with real satisfaction.)  I’ll get us another drink You get up and do your thing.  

(She fixes a drink for them…he goes to the dresser and opens the top drawer…still crying .He pulls out a spray can and sprays "Sine Qua Non" on the wall. He falls to his knees sobbing. She sets his drink on the dresser and sits back down on the chair.

G: "Can’t do without" that’s good. Come on get a grip. You’ve used that line eight times before, can’t think of anything new? I guess your mother spoke Latin when she soothed her baby boy.

B: (Wipes eyes) What the hell does that mean? (He sits in the chair) You are a witch or a demon.

G: You deserve a demon, Steven Archer. (He jolts) Yeah I know your name. Did I tell you how much I admire this tie?

G: Do you know –for my third man and the only time I’ve ever had control …that Was pretty good. Well, that’s all that’s left. How easy it seems now. That an event can happen in a way that you don’t expect. Kinda validates and blows your theory.

B: You won’t go. Not now. This isn’t my theater it’s yours. I never had a chance against you. I see now it was your intention after all. You wrecked my party. You were the storm and I thought I was the dark. You drained me. You made me human. But you are no better for it.

G: Wrong. (She goes to him and kisses him) I am more resolute than ever. Nothing changed I’m just more serene.

G: I know so. I gotta go pee. (Goes through the door. Talks loud from the other room.) You’re bedroom is wonderful. Where did you get the bed and chair?

B: Boston ,do you like them? Early 1800 …made in Germany. The upholstery on the chair isn’t authentic. I had to have some repair on the carved area on the headboard.

(He stands and goes to the dresser and opens the drawer and looks in satisfied. He turns around and moves all the furniture to the edge of the room Leaving the middle open . He opens another drawer and pulls out a roll of plastic .He spreads it out on the floor. Flush is heard.)

B: I found the fabric in Venice. It was as close to the original as I could find. I’m so tired …are you sure this will work?

B: The chair is perfect. (Stands and returns to the drawer pulls out a scalpel, a saw, and two ice picks. He places the tools on the plastic.) This is amazing… There is something pleasant about this. I actually feel light and at ease. Usually I’m tense and agitated.

B: Everything has to be just so with me. (Takes off his coat and shirt. His arms, back, and torso are covered with tattoos of runes and symbols.)

G: Sit down a minute. I’m getting ready too. Do you know why I sought you out? (He sits and yawns)

B: Because you wanted to have your death matter. Something different than bleeding to death in a bathtub, with a pathetically sad and inadequate note.

G: Right! But that would have been a non-event. Just about now you have probably noticed that you can’t move.

G: Of course! You see, my sweety…. I wanted to rape a monster to sort of set things right… not easy for girl to do. We are normally such easy prey…uh big boy ? So, I studied you.

G: Serendipitous… I set up a profile to defile…so to speak. Fine restaurants, good clothes, fastidious, solitary, no visible means of support, no criminal record. …and there you were. Then it was just a matter of matching the EVENTS to you. I’m going to hell with you but what I know is that you absorbed the souls of Cynthia, Raven, Beatrice, Annie, Jeannie, Wendy, Janice, and Mary. You have them trapped in drawings on your body…You took out a book on Shamanism a few years back from the Public Library. You use five names…that was in the book…interesting read. Can you still speak?

G: …Killed me earlier? No… Darling you love me. My death is of little consequence but my life mattered because I murdered you. I felt the shot in my ass… is that how you did it? Neck with them in the car … give them a shot …they look around thinking it’s a bug…(Laughs) The autopsy report gave me the drug …Internet! The girls had to be awake, physically incapable of defense and terrified. You lured them to your car drugged them, taped their mouths, brought them here…You screwed them for a bit … no orgasm. You couldn’t come you pathetic son-of -a -bitch . You would watch them die then … your art would take over …take the bodies to abandoned buildings and go to work. Even set up a kit here, in case the need ever arose. (Pause) But I made you come. Hurt like hell didn’t it? I think hell will hurt more. Can you talk now? Hurts huh? It’s a special drug; I put it in your booze. Your veins are on fire, right? And you can’t even whimper. When I die, according to that Shaman book, the souls of those girls are set free and I will be your companion for eternity. Won’t that be fun? Soon you will die and I’ll be hanging from your tie attached to your chain. Oh…I’m feeling the drug -actually it’s pleasant. Won’t be long now. I hope the chair will fall over when I kick this mortal coil. I’ve drawn a symbol representing you on my stomach. What a crazy crime scene …they will try to make some sense of it. It’s ironic isn’t it? To bad you can’t laugh. Close now… You’ve made me so happy, Lover. There will be a huge ripple in the universe and a great burst of light for God to see. I wish I’d learned to dance.